There was a professor in our department. Let’s call him Professor X (like in X-Men). I had a lot of respect for him and his work and his philosophies. But then he asked me to examine one of his students, which I was happy to do. The student’s work was okay, but it was extremely poorly written, so I gave an assessment requiring the student to rewrite the thesis. Professor X was livid. It was clear his view of me changed. But then something interesting happened: I realised that my view of Professor X was also changing. Was he really as awesome as I had thought in the beginning? Was his work and philosophy really so insightful? The way that he saw me affected how I saw him. But this isn’t logical.

Team of Rivals is a biography of Abraham Lincoln. There is this story from early in his professional life. There was an argument between two inventors about a device for doing something in wheat fields. Two lawyers, Harding and Watson, represented one of the parties. The trial was going to happen in Chicago, and Harding and Watson wanted a local lawyer. Lincoln was a lawyer local to the area, but he was self-taught and didn’t come from American high society. They approached Lincoln, and although not impressed by his scruffy looks, decided to make him part of the team. But then the trial moved to Cincinnati, and Harding and Watson found a replacement for Lincoln, an experienced lawyer called Edwin Stanton. Unfortunately, they didn’t let Lincoln know that he had been replaced. Lincoln assumed he would still be part of the time, so he continued to work hard on the case, and then went to Cincinnati just before the trial began. Harding, Watson and Stanton were shocked when Lincoln arrived. To quote the book:

Lincoln introduced himself and proposed, “Let’s go up in a gang.” At this point, Stanton drew Harding aside and whispered, “Why did you bring that damned long armed Ape here… he does not know any thing and can do you no good.” With that, Stanton and Harding turned from Lincoln and continued to court on their own. In the days that followed, Stanton “managed to make it plain to Lincoln” that he was expected to remove himself from the case. Lincoln did withdraw, though he remained in Cincinnati to hear the arguments. … Throughout that week, though Lincoln ate at the same hotel, Harding and Stanton never asked him to join them for a meal, or accompany them to or from court.

The book continues describing how impressed Lincoln was with the three lawyers’ arguments during the trial.

Now the crazy part. The story goes on, and Lincoln becomes president. Then, at the end of 1859, Lincoln needs a new Secretary of War. Who does he appoint? Edwin Stanton. This is just one example of Lincoln putting people in powerful positions despite them really disliking him. Several members of his cabinet ran against him for the Republican nomination, saying truly horrible things about him, and he still appointed them. Lincoln didn’t care about how other people saw him. He cared about their abilities. He cared about how he saw them. About who they were – regardless of who he was.

I often stress more about how other people see me than I stress about how I see them. But you can’t control how someone else sees you – so stop trying. You don’t even truly know what someone else is thinking of you. (And most often our assessment of this is wrong anyway.) What you have control over is how you view someone else, what you look for in them – merits, strengths, what makes them who they are. David Brooks talks about exactly this in How to Know a Person: fear and anxiety of how I am perceived is one of the main stumbling blocks to truly seeing another person for who they are.